November 20

A year ago tonight my mother passed away.

I had planned on spending today doing things my mother would have enjoyed. Instead, I had to go to a job interview (a 2nd interview and I still need to go to a 3rd interview but it probably won't be till December); I then spent the rest of the day at home feeling miserable because both Eb and I are sick (he's got bronchitis, I don't think I'm that bad yet... but bad enough to feel like crap).

During the days and weeks leading up to this day I've been thinking about the things my mother enjoyed. I had always known that we shared many of the same interests but I found myself wondering if she came to enjoy things I liked or if I liked things that she already enjoyed. I know I picked up some things from my mother but some of the things she enjoyed were things in her life before I was born.

One of my greatest pleasures in life has always been books.. in fact it was my love for Anne McCaffrey's Dragonrider of Pern series that led me to Telgar Weyr 12th Pass - and to Eb who would become my husband. I'll never forget being able to tell Anne McCaffrey about that in person, and her reaction was priceless.

Anyway, books have played a major role in my life. My mother's love of books was borderline obsessive! She collected every type of book imagineable, from out of print to modern children's books of every genre. I can remember school books from the 1930s, medical encyclopedias from the 1950s and delving through every single one of them right along with her.

I meant to write this earlier but I kept putting it off - thinking I would probably cry while writing this but instead I ended up laughing at these memories and others. There's more I want to write and over the next few days I'm going to write more. There are memories of my mother that I don't want to lose. I NEED to write them down so they won't be forgotten.

Update in More Detail

This past year has been probably among the worst of my life. November 20th, 2007, my mother passed away unexpectedly.

She had been diabetic for years but was actually doing well during those last months... well at least as far as we knew. She was apparently bleeding internally and the hospital up here in the mountains wanted to do a GI. They kept her overnight, and I went back to the hospital the next day and almost immediately upon my arrival things began happening. I noticed she was coughing up blood. I called the nurse then went to the station to have someone go check her. They cleaned her up, got her comfortable and as soon as she was settled she just turned her head, closed her eyes and stopped breathing. They resuscitated her and put her on oxygen and they began making arrangements to send her down the mountain to another hospital. Several hours went by until finally they found a bed and got a helicopter for her. It took me and my husband over an hour to get to the hospital and by the time we got there they were resuscitating her again and kept at it until it was time to let her go.

Her passing was a shock for the entire family and I feel like I've been in a daze ever since. She was kind, compassionate, selfless and always put others before herself. I was her 'caretaker' and as such we were constant companions. My life changed drastically that day in November and will never be the same again. So many things remind me of her. When I experience things I know she enjoyed, I think about her. When I experience new things I know she would enjoy, I think about her. Whatever I go through, whether it be sorrow or joy, I think about her.

Yesterday was her birthday.

I thought I would spend the day, as usual, remembering and crying. I did that, but I also finally smiled at memories as well. I found myself doing that occasionally in these last few months. Something would occur that she would have gotten a kick out of, or I would think about something she would do or say and I would smile as I told my husband.

I don't know if I'll ever stop crying and feeling as though my heart is breaking whenever I think about her. I do know that I can also smile and remember her without sorrow as well.

A month before she passed, the three of us (me, her and my husband) went to the Step Out to Fight Diabetes walk in Riverside, CA. I walked while they waited, though my mother had actually wanted to walk - which probably would have worsened whatever condition she had that she was keeping from me. This year I plan to walk again.

If anyone would like to join the team or sponsor me please go to my webpage for the walk at:

<link>main.diabetes.org/goto/t_dewitt</link>

If you want to join the team, please join soon so you'll receive your packet (by snail mail) in time for the walk.

October 18
Riverside, CA

I don't know if she passed because of diabetes complications. The coroner made no such connection, but I do know she suffered from the disease and every day she had to endure shots and dietary restrictions and countless other problems due to this illness. I'm hoping that someday we can find a cure or better treatment so that others don't have to endure what my mother and countless others have to endure.

Birthday

Today would have been my mother's birthday. It doesn't seem at all like it's been almost a year since she passed away. I know I've written several times about her in the past year, and there's not really anything new to add to what has already been said, but I needed to post. I needed to say - "this day my mother would have been 73 years old".

I wish I had some sort of larger than life way to celebrate her life. I had planned on just spending the day in reflection though that's how I've spent every day since the last day I was with her.... Well, let me amend that - I've spent every day since that day in reflection and tears.

I know that life goes on and though I want to write in more detail about how I really feel I know that I've said it all before. Instead of reflecting upon her loss I want to honor her. I hope to spend today doing things that would have made her happy. I'll face the memories, hopefully this time it will be without the tears.

 

 

My Step Out to Fight Diabetes Page - http://main.diabetes.org/goto/t_dewitt

Step Out to Fight Diabetes - Walk in Riverside

 

Yes, I'm doing this for the second year in a row. It was fun last year, and my mother actually wanted to walk it with me - though if she had walked she would have probably passed on earlier than she did. This year, it means so much more to me because of my mother so I'll be there again and I'll be hoping that our efforts will help someone suffering from Diabetes.

I'm the Team Captain again for the Caduceus Club, so you can go to either my page or the team page if you'd like to sponsor me or the team.

My Page - http://main.diabetes.org/goto/t_dewitt 
Team Page - http://main.diabetes.org/goto/caduceus

You are also welcome to join our Team - just sign up at either of the links above.

Riverside, CA

Date: October 18, 2008
Location: White Park (9th and Market St.) downtown Riverside, CA
For more information, call 1-888-DIABETES or Contact Us.

Available Route(s): 5K (about 3 miles)
Registration Opens: 7:30 AM
Event Start Time: 9:00 AM

Event Information

Join hundreds for a great morning walk. The route takes you from White Park through the Historic Homes District, down and around Fairmont Park and then back. Lunch will be served to all participants and no charge. Live music, kids activities, and wellness fair after the walk!

The Wild and the Strays

My mother couldn't stand the thought of an animal going to a shelter where she knew it would be put to sleep. So, our place always had the occasional stray dogs and cats. We even had a turtle some geese and birds that had been injured. Once the wilder ones were healthy enough to leave they'd be let go but the more domesticated animals usually found a home with us unless they were found by their families.

That tradition of saving animals from the shelter, continues today with me and my husband. We have 4 dogs. One was a gift but our other 3 had been shelter animals or were bound for the shelter. We couldn't be happier and I'm very proud of my mother for caring so much for all animals.

Hard

The end of this month will mark 6 months since my mother passed away. Every day I keep telling myself that I need to write down all of the things I want to make sure I remember about her but after 6 months I have learned that the passing of time has not made things easier.

The past couple of days have been especially hard. I suppose it has to do with Mother's Day coming up. There are traces of tears still in my eyes from crying all night last night and the crying I've done today. I am reminded of my mother at every turn and despite not being about to record my memories of her I welcome the crying. It is during those moments that I can see her and feel her the most and even though my heart is breaking and I'm sobbing uncontrollably I don't want to stop crying for her.

Is this abnormal? I don't know. For the last few years of her life I guess you could say our roles were reversed and I was the one taking care of her. I filled out her pill boxes and made sure she took her medications, made sure she ate right, and I gave her insulin shots every day. I worried about her and even scolded her when she ate the wrong things. Don't get me wrong, I let her eat whatever she want, within reason, she just liked to eat more than what she should and was always the wrong thing. In retrospect I wonder if I should have just let her eat as much as she wanted but then I know that the diabetes would have probably created major problems that would have been a slow death. As it was she died unexpectedly which neither of us considered a possibility. We both always thought that complications from diabetes would eventually fall upon her and she would die a slow lingering death. Instead she was helping me with laundry one day and the next day she was gone with no warning whatsoever.

Would I want her to suffer a long, slow death from a stroke or some diabetic disease? No, I know I'm glad she didn't have to suffer for long. It's my own selfish need to have a last moment with her to tell her how much I loved her even though I told her that every day of her life... I still feel the need to tell her again so that there's no doubt at all in her mind how much she meant to me.

As bad as I feel, I feel even worse for my brother. Since 2003 my mother lived with me and my husband in CA and my mother and I only visited TN one time, in 2006. He didn't get to see her everyday like I did. They talked on the phone but that's not the same. I called him the day after we admitted her into the hospital and told him what the Drs had told me and that was that she was doing okay and was preparing to do an endoscopy. It was probably an hour away if not less that I had to call him and tell him that she stopped breathing and they were giving her CPR and then would find another hospital to put her in. She was taken to St Mary Medical Center, down the mountain, and it took my husband and I a while to drive there (about 45 minutes). When we arrived they were giving her CPR again, I watched while they vigorously compressed her chest over and over again and then finally pronounced her.

Mother's Day is May 11th. I know I need to do something but then I wonder why. All of my preconceived notions about what happens when one dies has been tossed out the window. Ironically, my family has stores/tales of being visited by departed loved ones and I've never doubted their validity. In fact, when my closest friend Tony died a few years ago I felt his presence come to me to help me deal with his passing. Various members of my family have seen the spirits of others who have passed on. At times I think I feel my mother, and I seem to hear daily noises throughout the house that are reminiscent of noises she would make when she wondered about the house while alive.

Is she here? I don't know. I hope she's found peace and no longer feels pain. I'm grateful I don't have to give her insulin shots anymore - or check her glucose levels because those little lancets hurt like you wouldn't believe.

What do I now believe? I believe I'm just lost and won't know the answers till I find out for myself when I pass on.

Procrastinating

I keep reminding myself that I need to post here but it's been difficult to sort through everything in my mind. It seems as though every waking moment is filled with thoughts of her. Sometimes I'm okay and at other times I'm not. I never know when thoughts of her will cause me to break down.

I went to school (I'm in college) wednesday and an elderly lady was just beginning the class, as was I, and she wanted to sit near me. We were working with computers and as she tried to do certain things on the computer she reminded me of how my mother tried to do things on the computer. I sat in the car later and just began crying. At first I was clueless then realized later that the catalyst must have been my interaction with the lady. I helped her as much as I could, but as with my mother she couldn't quite grasp certain things. I hope she sticks with the class.

I'll get around to adding memories here eventually, when I can look back at the past and can see through the tears better.

Her Young Life

My mother told me that when she was born she was so tiny her head could fit inside a coffee cup.

She was born October 11, 1935 in North Carolina.

The family moved around from NC to Upper East TN. I'm assuming that she was a teenager if not younger by the time they finally settled in Johnson City. Her father built a grocery store and sold used cars, and she went to school at Happy Valley. After graduating from high school she went to East Tennessee State College, which later became East Tennessee State University. She recieved a Bachelor of Arts degree and worked at various jobs till she finally worked for her father at his store.

Click Below For More Pictures from my mother's life and childhood.

by tdldewitt