The end of this month will mark 6 months since my mother passed away. Every day I keep telling myself that I need to write down all of the things I want to make sure I remember about her but after 6 months I have learned that the passing of time has not made things easier.
The past couple of days have been especially hard. I suppose it has to do with Mother's Day coming up. There are traces of tears still in my eyes from crying all night last night and the crying I've done today. I am reminded of my mother at every turn and despite not being about to record my memories of her I welcome the crying. It is during those moments that I can see her and feel her the most and even though my heart is breaking and I'm sobbing uncontrollably I don't want to stop crying for her.
Is this abnormal? I don't know. For the last few years of her life I guess you could say our roles were reversed and I was the one taking care of her. I filled out her pill boxes and made sure she took her medications, made sure she ate right, and I gave her insulin shots every day. I worried about her and even scolded her when she ate the wrong things. Don't get me wrong, I let her eat whatever she want, within reason, she just liked to eat more than what she should and was always the wrong thing. In retrospect I wonder if I should have just let her eat as much as she wanted but then I know that the diabetes would have probably created major problems that would have been a slow death. As it was she died unexpectedly which neither of us considered a possibility. We both always thought that complications from diabetes would eventually fall upon her and she would die a slow lingering death. Instead she was helping me with laundry one day and the next day she was gone with no warning whatsoever.
Would I want her to suffer a long, slow death from a stroke or some diabetic disease? No, I know I'm glad she didn't have to suffer for long. It's my own selfish need to have a last moment with her to tell her how much I loved her even though I told her that every day of her life... I still feel the need to tell her again so that there's no doubt at all in her mind how much she meant to me.
As bad as I feel, I feel even worse for my brother. Since 2003 my mother lived with me and my husband in CA and my mother and I only visited TN one time, in 2006. He didn't get to see her everyday like I did. They talked on the phone but that's not the same. I called him the day after we admitted her into the hospital and told him what the Drs had told me and that was that she was doing okay and was preparing to do an endoscopy. It was probably an hour away if not less that I had to call him and tell him that she stopped breathing and they were giving her CPR and then would find another hospital to put her in. She was taken to St Mary Medical Center, down the mountain, and it took my husband and I a while to drive there (about 45 minutes). When we arrived they were giving her CPR again, I watched while they vigorously compressed her chest over and over again and then finally pronounced her.
Mother's Day is May 11th. I know I need to do something but then I wonder why. All of my preconceived notions about what happens when one dies has been tossed out the window. Ironically, my family has stores/tales of being visited by departed loved ones and I've never doubted their validity. In fact, when my closest friend Tony died a few years ago I felt his presence come to me to help me deal with his passing. Various members of my family have seen the spirits of others who have passed on. At times I think I feel my mother, and I seem to hear daily noises throughout the house that are reminiscent of noises she would make when she wondered about the house while alive.
Is she here? I don't know. I hope she's found peace and no longer feels pain. I'm grateful I don't have to give her insulin shots anymore - or check her glucose levels because those little lancets hurt like you wouldn't believe.
What do I now believe? I believe I'm just lost and won't know the answers till I find out for myself when I pass on.
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Her College Days
My Mother
My mother, JoAnn, passed away unexpectedly Nov 20, 2007. She suffered from diabetes but was in good health when she had to be taken to the emergency room for a GI bleed. My mother was the most generous and loving person I have ever known and she will be missed and mourned every day of my life. I created this blog so that I could record everything I can remember of her life.
Throughout the Years
Links to My Mother
JoAnn
Her College Days
JoAnn
My Mother
2 comments:
My mother's been gone for 41 years -- she died when I was 12. There are days, times and situations that the tears still well up. My Lady's mother hasn't been gone quite 2 years. Last year for Mother's Day, she was still mostly in shock and dealing with the estate, etc., but she's just started a wonderful new job and things were looking up.
Some say it's the second year after a parent's or loved one's death that's the hardest, because the initial shock has worn off and you're moving on. I don't know that I agree. I've always thought the major holidays in that first year after a parent's death are the worst, because they've always been a part of your holiday prep.
My Lady's mother's birthday was April 30th -- my Lady was down at her grave last Sunday, trimming the grass around the stone and bringing flowers. When we were back in Alabama over Easter, one of the first things I did was take her to "meet my mother" at the family plot at the cemetery.
I'm not sure one ever "gets over" losing a parent. All we can do is move on to the next phase of our lives, draw wisdom from the lessons we learned from them, strength from the memory of his or her love, and wish them Bon Voyage.
Your mother travels now in Bright Company, on an adventure and to a place we can only imagine. Take peace from knowing you sent her off properly, and took care of her in her last days here.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the post I wrote about my mother. That meant a great deal to me.
What you said about holidays really struck home since my mother passed away on the 20th - I had to still go to Thanksgiving with the inlaws and it was just surreal. Christmas was just as difficult but I actually spent both holidays putting others at ease, trying to comfort them so they wouldn't feel uncomfortable around me. My mother loved both holidays, especially since she was able to indulge in all the wonderful sugar filled food. I think those holidays will always make me feel sad but fortunately my husband's family is filled with lots of kids and I think that's what really helped me the most to get through those days.
More and more since my mother's passing I've thought about us adopting children. Both of us want to very badly and have talked about it for years but then I think I would always worry about something happening. If I lost my husband I honestly don't think I could survive without him but I know I can't live that way.
I also know that every moment of happiness I will have now and in the future will be shadowed by not being able to share those moments with my mother.
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